we're all suckers for tragedies..

Well... I tried. Last Friday. And it turned into a bit of a car crash, nearly. Not a total car crash, but yeah. It was the most awkward conversation in my life, I kid you not. I was just stood there; not knowing what the fuck I should say and when it all comes out, it’s like vomit – messy and blunt. I’m amazed I didn’t start crying, I felt like it – but I don’t think that would have helped either of us.

I cried later instead. In private.

It felt good.

It wasn’t all that bad though, seems our friendship is treasured more than anything else. But that’s okay, cos I wouldn’t want to lose that either. I hate to lose friends. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s being even more alone that I already am. I am a pretty lonely person, but sinking any lower than that and it’s just bleak.

I feel better now, like something’s shifted and I can get on with my life now – I’ve been thinking about this shit for a few months now. It feels good to finally have the courage to say something, even if it means being single for an unknown amount of time longer. Ha.

Went out on Monday night and got insanely drunk. Stood on glass, broke my phone and got spooked by some lad who was rather keen on me. Oh god, why do I always attract the Chavs and weird ones? Oh god, oh god. I actually had an adrenaline rush and fucking ran for it. Seriously, I’ve never had one like it, I just fucking ran. In a choice of fight or flight – I fucking flew. It was like my feet barely touched the ground, for one brief moment, I was untouchable.

But then my feet found the ground and I felt dirty and wrong. And I could feel a panic in my chest and suddenly I can’t seem to breathe. I went for a shower, desperate to get this guy off my skin and I’m inhaling in the steam and it doesn’t seem to calm me down like normal and I get even more worked up. And I can’t hear the water, just the sound of me trying to take in air – quick, loud, panicked breaths. Oh God...

I don’t know how I got changed again. But I knew I still looked a state by the time Sam and Lloyd got back. I must have looked fucking awful.

I’ve not had a panic attack in a year; I almost forgot what they felt like.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling, like the walls are closing in and they’re pressing in on you. And you’re breathing, you’re hyperventilating but not a single molecule of oxygen is entering your lungs. You’re breathing, but you just can’t seem to breathe. Your head goes all light, like it’s floating away from you and you can’t seem to think straight. You can barely hear or see – it’s like all your senses have cut themselves off. You can still touch, and all you seem to do it grab and cling onto someone – desperate to feel something stable. The need to feel safe has never been more urgent in your life.

I can’t remember how long it lasted. It was a bit of a blur. What I do remember is Sam managing to get my breathing back to normal – which I’ve never been more relieved or thankful for.

Had another two on Tuesday. No one was there to help me, which made it much more scarier.

My phone started to work again. Thank fuck. It plays up occasionally, but m’hoping it won’t be too frequent.

I should get started on my next essays or something. I don’t have anything better to do this weekend. Blah.